The Moment of Truth
Every boy that ever wore a dress because he wanted to, faces that singular moment when someone, anyone, other than themselves, saw the girl they wanted, and was trying, to be. They get caught, they stumble with the mannerisms, they go outside and do dangerous things, they have an accident... whatever it is, that moment always comes. To say that fear, shame and guilt are not running rampant at that moment is a lie; they are there, and they need to be dealt with. Some girls are lucky in that they manage to hide their compulsion for years from all but a select few. This is the story of Carol, one of those very lucky few.
My mother knew, I think she had always known. From the time I was old enough to do it myself, I had been dressing up as a girl; sometimes I looked good, but more times than not, I looked like a boy in a dress, but every time I put on that skirt or dress I felt that familiar wave of euphoria wash over me. That sense of calm, elation, fear, guilt and shame, all combining, making me wish that I was a girl, a real girl. Wishing on a star never made it happen, yet I never once relinquished my desires. By the time I was 15 I was well aware of the stigma boys like me face, yet, unable to restrain myself, I had amassed a small but tasteful wardrobe; several bras, some panties and pantyhose, plus four skirts, some tops, and three dresses, all with the right shoes of course. I kept everything, including my makeup stored in my closet, in clothing bags. I guess I should have known that my mother would look inside of them, but it never occurred to me.
In my overwhelming delusional, and rampant desire to become a girl, I bought some hormones on the Internet, assuming that they would have a little if any effect on my build, meaning hips and boobs, smooth skin and so on. I DID NOT think they would do much, but it was worth a try, and mentally, I felt much better because I was at least trying. I started taking them right after they arrived. Unfortunately, in less than a year, by the time I was almost 16, my body had started changing a whole lot more than I thought possible! I had lost muscle mass, weight, and I had zero body hair, my skin was soft and smooth, my bust was an A cup, and I had the tender beginnings of swelling hips! It was obvious that my ability to hide this onrush of changes was rapidly coming to an end; loose sweaters and baggy pants would not do for all occasions. Finally, it was clearly obvious that I had no choice. I had to confide in the one person that I was pretty sure had always known... my mother.
"Ah... mom?"
"Yes dear?"
"I have something to tell you.... Don't be mad at me... please?"
"What is it?"
"I have boobs" I suddenly blurted out, "and hips... and smooth skin!"
"WHAT! How is this possible?! Boys don't have boobs! Let me see!"
In my bedroom I quickly undressed, and she saw the full extent of the changes. I did in fact have the modestly developed, but very definite figure of a girl about the age of 14. All I could do was stand there as she stared at me, her mouth open as she slowly searched my body for any sign of falsehood. Then...
"Well, I'm sure that you have an explanation for this, and I want to hear it... and I want the truth!"
My moment of truth, one of them anyway, had finally come. With a heavy heart and an unshakeable fear towering over me, I showed her the bottle of hormones, the smallish purple pills I had been taking for about a year. She read the label, quickly took the bottle away from me, and told me to get dressed. Then she went to the computer. I was sitting at my desk, reading some TG fiction when she opened my bedroom door.
"Do you have ANY idea what you have done?" I shook my head no, although I was pretty sure I did. "These pills are NOT those cheap knock offs from South America, these are pharmaceutical grade female hormones! I don't think you understand! How long have you been taking these?"
"About a year ... why?"
"Because, according to the Internet, these pills you've been taking are strong enough to force your body into a female puberty! That's why you're developing like a girl!" It was hard to suppress the grin, and I almost made it too, but... "This is not funny young... man! Now what do we do?!"
"Let me be the girl I should have been all along?" I had suddenly, and without a thought, blurted out what I wanted. It was bold, but no matter what, she already knew, so why not?
"We might NOT have a choice! Just wait until your father hears about this! This is just awful! Why in the world would you do this to yourself? Do you have ANY idea what this means? I don't think you really have any idea what it means to be a girl! It's not all perfume and nice clothes you know!" She was very angry, it was written large on her face. "Your father is going to go through the roof when he finds out what you have done!"
"Uhhhh.... Can I suggest something?"
"WHAT!?"
"If you just tell him, then he'll get a mental picture of a guy in a dress! What if he... saw.... Carol? Me, all fixed up real nice? That way he'll see what I look like rather than go ape when he gets that mental picture, which I know is going to be wrong!"
Mom thought about it for a moment, then looked at me with a chagrined look on her face. "Okay, I suppose that's probably the best, it'll diffuse his anger a little bit, maybe, but we'll do this my way! And when I say! Understand?"
"No little girl stuff" I said firmly.
"No dear, The only way you'll have any chance to come out of this without being banished to your room for life, is for us to make sure that you're the absolute picture of the most feminine 16 year old possible!" Tomorrow morning, early, we'll see what we can do! I'll make sure that you look nice, because I agree with you that might be your only protection. I won't let him hurt you, but he isn't going to be very happy at all, and looking nice might be your only option! For now, keep your mouth shut. Understand?"
So began one of the biggest steps in my journey, the one where I would have to face my father. He's a man's man, tall, strong, and very masculine; he was the one that would decide my fate. Death probably wouldn't be an option, but short of that, there was no telling what he would do. I could only hope that he would see a girl standing there rather than the boy who was his son, standing there in a dress.
In the beginning I would run into a mart, pick out something, say a bra, and with a red face, quickly pay for it and leave as rapidly as I could. They had to know; I always thought they did anyway. I did not realize that they could not have cared less. Over time I began to measure myself, buying things that fit rather than just grabbing one from the rack, which is how I came to know my sizes. On the day I told mom, I wore a 34 A bra and a size 10 dress. Even knowing my sizes, and yet, faced with the undeniable fact that my mom knew, I still had trouble telling her exactly what I knew. Given that, I simply let her measure me herself. Stressful is how that was. Mom was not at all pleased to find out that I was developing into a girl, and while she did not hide that fact, she also made it clear that she would help me.
What that meant exactly was a mystery, but I bravely listened as she talked.
"Well" she began with a sigh, "it does seem that you've done it! There's no doubt that you have already begun to develop, and I'll bet that sooner, rather than later, your bust will get much bigger! When I was 16, I was a full B cup, and you're almost there now! And your hips! While you're not quite fully developed yet, you'll probably fill out there rather quickly too I would imagine! Which means, that we have some time, but not a lot, to make you presentable enough to make your father understand the situation.... Before you do all this blossoming!"
"Presentable? I do okay mom!"
"I'm sure you think so; I certainly hope you can, but I'll be the judge of that! Why don't you get yourself all dolled up? I'll be on the patio when your ready. Just walk out and show me, and we'll decide if you're as good as you think you are! Besides, I want to see this girl, in all her glory, that you've been trying to hide all this time!"
Mom left me standing there alone in my room, saddled with the order to get "all dolled up" as she put it. It was the one thing I had always wanted to do, yet I just stood there, desperately trying to gather up the nerve to do the one thing that I wanted most. Finally, I stepped into the bath and began to get ready. As I rubbed in the lotion and prepared to do some taping, an unwanted thought crept into my tiny brain, and it was "hot pants". I had them, and I knew how they made me look, but common sense quickly grabbed hold and I set aside that bit of fantasy. That would be for later...much later.
After a bit of indecision, I selected the pale green sundress with my low white heels and white jewelry. With my parts taped securely in place, I got dressed, my new bra pushing my budding breasts up and out while allowing for just a minor hint of cleavage. Grinning at that, I pulled on the pantyhose, and began my makeup. My hairless face made it easy. Just a bit of foundation followed by very pale eye shadow and eyeliner, some blusher, and then I brushed out my hair. My one barrette happened to be white, so I used it to pull my hair back on the left side before I pulled the dress over my head. Zipping it up, I felt the reassuring snugness of the bodice against my skin, and saw how the square cut neckline exposed just a tiny bit of my breasts. Adding lipstick and some perfume, I stepped into the heels before I faced the door, quickly opening it before I lost my nerve.
Once I took that first step it was over. I never looked back, and holding my head high, I boldly walked through the house and out to the patio where mom was waiting. The sound of my heels on the hard flooring caused her to look up, and I saw just the slightest bit of shock easing into her face.
"Well?" I asked smiling.
"You look very nice honey... to be truthful, better than I expected. Come. Let me look at you!"
With sound of Glenn Miller playing in the background, mom inspected me like I was a heifer... for sale! From my hair and makeup, right down to the way the clothes fit, then she pointed at a chair. As I sat...
"You're quite lovely. I'll admit that I sort of expected you would look nice, but.... any way, lets talk about your father and how you plan on telling him."
"I wasn't going to tell him, not until this happened anyway. Now, if I don't, he'll figure it out on his own! Especially if you're right, and I start getting bigger!"
"You know, I was thinking that maybe we should do this right after he gets home from work, and before dinner? You can wear that skirt and sweater of mine, in the school colors? They're just loose enough, and after that you can change into this outfit! That will get his attention, and won't give him much, if any room to fuss. He won't like it, but after he sees you in this dress he'll have to accept the obvious... right?"
"If I'm still alive..."
"He won't hurt you, you know that! But there is no doubt that you'll have to look your very best if you hope to have any chance of convincing him to accept this, and while I'm NOT thrilled about this, given what I found out, I don't see that I have any choice but to help you! You're about to develop the body of a girl no matter what anyone does! So, I think that our best course of action is for you to have a trip to the salon. They'll cut your hair and set it so that it's easier to take care of, and maybe we'll see about fixing your nails. Your makeup is fine. How about that?"
"I'd rather wear my sheath dress when he sees me mom. Anything loose like that will only disguise the changes, and besides, it's in the school color too."
"Alright, wear that if you like. Right now I think I'll call the doctor to see if he confirms my suspicions."
While she made that call, I went to my room and began to pull my clothes out of those clothing bags, and hung them in the closet, right out in the open. There wasn't any sense of hiding them any more! I changed into my hot pants, just to see myself looking so hot again. I tied the blouse just under my bra and took out the barrette, then used the bright red lipstick. Just then mom walked into my room. As I turned....
"Well! That's an interesting look! Turn around and let me see." I turned, then... "I'm sure you find that look fun, but you'll need to change. The doctor wants to see you, but he says that if you've been taking these hormones for over a year it's unlikely that he can stop the effects. When I told him that you don't have to shave, he almost, but not quite confirmed it! We'll see him tomorrow. Wear a skirt. For now, I want you to change into your normal clothes. Your dad will be home soon."
I changed, showered, and was myself by the time dad got home. It was like sitting on a razors edge all evening as I was positive that he could pick up the vibes I was giving off in waves. But, he blithely went about doing his thing, with no sign that he received any notion that mom and I had a secret. By the time I went to bed I was a wreck! The next morning mom woke me up early, telling me to get dressed, and wear a skirt. So, once again I became Carol. The skirt I wore was a short tan and white one with pleats, a white pullover top that accented my boobs, and my low white heels. Once I had my hair and makeup done, I joined mom who was waiting for me in the kitchen. She didn't say a word about my short skirt; she only harrumphed a few times. After breakfast, it was off to see the doctor. I got a very complete physical, then....
"Well, there isn't any doubt now. Even with the best male hormones available, I seriously doubt that I can turn her back into a boy. She doesn't show one sign that male puberty has begun! Her testicles have not descended, she doesn't shave, and her body has already started to develop as any normal girl would. About the only I can do is help her as she makes this transition. She'll still have to take hormones, but under MY supervision young lady!"
"What does that mea? Carol cannot be a boy? Ever again?"
"That's what it means" the doctor said solemnly, "In fact, there is only one sign that she was ever a boy, and I don't have to point out what that is... do I?" At the rate she is developing, I would say that within a few months, maybe four, six at the very most, she'll be as fully developed as any other girl her age."
"So... no reversal?"
"I'm afraid not. She started taking the pills at exactly the right time for her to develop this way, which effectively cut off all male development, resulting in the girl we have here now."
Mom and I left his office; she was very quiet, and I knew that she was very angry with me, so I just sat there, just as quiet as she was. Thinking we were on our way home, I watched as she made straight for her salon! I had not thought that we were going until a few days later!
"We might as well get this over with" mom said, "since it looks like you'll be a girl from now on. Tonight has to be the night we tell your father, and like you said, your only safety is going to be if you look perfect. I imagine that you'll be here for a few hours, so I'm going to drop you off and go talk to your father. He has to know that you have something important to tell him. I won't tell him what, but he has a right to know."
Well, after three hours of getting plucked, waxed, pierced, cut, trimmed, dyed, set, with new nails and makeup, I didn't look like me at all! I looked better than I ever had! Just about then mom came in, took one look and smiled at me for the first time since this all began! After paying the bill, she and I went home. After telling me to change, I went to my room to get ready for my debut. Just as I got undressed mom walked into my room.
"I bought these for you. You might as well use them now, that way he won't have to witness your bust getting bigger. And wear this dress." She put the bags on the bed and left the room. In one bag was a black dress. Short, almost three inches above my knees, with thin spaghetti straps. It was a sheath style. In the other bag was a new bra in my size but a B cup, plus gel pads to help fill out the cups! I started with a long soak in a bubble bath, then used skin lotions before I pulled on my panties. The bra fit just a tad better, and with the gel pads I really did have nice cleavage! Then pantyhose were followed by the dress, and finally my only black shoes, the high heels.
Perfume and a gold necklace, with my only gold bracelet completed that, then I added lipstick and went out to get mom's approval... if that was possible. She said I looked fine, then told me to stay in my room until she called me. I heard dad driving in, and quickly went to my room. I could hear them talking, then mom came to get me.
"Just walk out like it was perfectly normal, and stand right by the doorway until I say different, okay?"
I did what she told me, and I heard her tell dad that I had something to tell him; then she motioned for me to walk in front of him. My knees felt weak and shook a bit, my throat was dry as dust, and my stomach was churning like a cement mixer as I tried to make my feet move. Mom motioned again, and I slowly walked around until I stood face to face with my father. His eyes went wide as his head went from my hair to my toes and back, slowing as he saw that I had actual, not fake, cleavage. My legs were long and shapely, my hands graceful with slightly tapered light red nails, a small gold ring in my left hand glittering in the light. It was all I could do to remain silent, but mom had told me not to say a word until she told me I could. Dad finally spoke....
"What is this? A costume of some kind? Is there a party?"
"No dear, it's not a costume. Jabs... Carol, started to develop as a girl about a year ago, and she finally told me about it. I told you we saw the doctor today? He confirmed what I suspected. Carol has developed so much that she cannot... honey, there is no way that she can ever go back to being a boy! And, she doesn't have any padding at all! What you see is all hers, and you can see that I'm telling you the truth!"
"Soho... What are you telling me? That our son has turned into a girl! That's impossible! How?"
"It's the hormones honey. Some kids have more of one than the other I guess, and well, Carol has plenty of female hormones, which is why she has developed into a girl! Other than her.... male part, she is ALL girl, and trust me, I've seen her naked, so I know what I'm talking about! Now, you've seen her, and I've explained things, so lets not dwell on what we can't do, and focus on adapting to having a daughter instead of a son, okay? Can you do that?"
"A DAUGHTER? A GIRL? What about Jason?" Turning to me... "I suppose you like this? Being a girl stuff? I thought you were more boy than that!"
"Yeah dad, I like it. Being a girl isn't bad at all!"
"I can turn you back into a boy! I'll just have a doctor cut those things off, and..."
"STOP THAT!" mom almost yelled... "Carol is here to stay, and that's the end of it! She and I are not asking your permission, we're telling you the facts! Hormones made our son develop like a girl, and now we have a daughter... like it or not!"
"I don't like... not one bit!"
"Dad" I said, "I still like everything I did before, so what's the problem? We can still do things together, like we always do!"
"My son in a dress!"
"Shall I have her undress just to convince you that she's not a boy any more?"
"NO! I don't think I want to see tits on my son!"
"So... you agree that she is a girl?"
"I'll have to take your word for it Beth, I certainly don't want to see that! You say the doctor says that there is no going back?"
"No chance at all, that's what he said. She is to far along in her development for that."
"I'm going outside for a minute" dad said, and got up to leave.
"As soon as I change you're taking us to dinner... at the country club."
"NO."
"Oh yes" mom said firmly. Twenty minutes!"
Both dad and I were stuck. We were going to the club for dinner, him still angry, confused and wondering about my becoming a girl, in what seemed like an almost overnight transformation. And me? Well, I would be going into the one place where everyone knew us, including me, and I was dressed as a girl! Somewhere in the back of my mind I guess I knew the day would come when other people, people that had known me for along time, would find out. I did not expect mom to throw me almost literally to the wolves right from the outset! Grinning at me, she went to change clothes. That's when I knew it was a test. She was going to see if I could manage to make everyone believe I really was a girl! With that in mind, I quickly determined no choice but to do just that!
Mom and I were ready to go by the time dad returned; he had that sour look on his face, but he grabbed his jacket and drove us to the country club. Mom took his arm as we walked across the parking lot, motioning me to take his other arm, which I did. He wasn't about to make a scene, and we walked inside just like always. Howard, the host, seated us at our table, and all I got was a smile from him! We ordered dinner, ate, then stayed to listen to the band. Mom and dad were dancing while I sat at the table, then I saw Ken walking towards me! He and I played golf together once in a while! Needless to say, he asked me to dance, and rather than just sit there like a dummy, I did! Mom wanted to test me, and I planned on passing... literally!
"You look real nice... better than I thought."
"What! You knew?!!"
"Yeah. We all did. There was just something about you... once in a while I'd see what looked like breasts, and your butt looks like my sisters, so yeah... I had an idea."
"Then why ask me to dance?!"
"Just to make sure. What do I call you?"
"Carol" I said softly.
"Want to play tomorrow? I have a tee time..."
"Sure, I guess, what time?"
"10. I'll pick you up at 8:30?"
"Okay" I said, still not sure why Ken was so accepting. We broke, and he walked me back to the table, then asked dad if it was okay for me to play a round with him the next day.
"I suppose that will be okay, but she...."
"I already know sir, we'll be fine."
Ken walked away, leaving me still wondering how he knew, I thought I was very careful to hide things, dad looked confused, and mom was acting like she already knew it would happen. That night mom gave me one of her skorts to wear. They're shorts with what looks like a skirt over them. They were a bright vivid green. The next morning I wore the skorts with a white top that was thin, and exposed my bra straps. It was going to be cooler than those heavy shirts I had to wear before. I put my hair in a ponytail, added lipstick, and went to get my clubs. Dad was in the kitchen.
"You have any money?"
"Some."
"Take this" he said as he handed me a fifty. "You might want to have a little bet."
"Probably, we always do..."
"You could always kick his ass on the course... Carol, and that bra shouldn't change that! He can't chip for nothing. You should beat him by at least four, so take him for twenty. He'll think he can beat a girl, but you're not quite a girl yet, so I know you can do it!"
"Thanks dad..dy" I said as I took the fifty, "but I'll make him buy lunch too!"
"Play well" he said as I left.
When Ken asked me if I wanted to play the forward tees I almost hit him, and insisted that we play the blue tees. His manhood was suddenly on the line; contrary to what he KNEW, all he saw was a girl standing there, and there was NO way that he was going to let a mere girl beat him, so he agreed, and I had him. That's because ALL of his second shots would be tougher, while mine, because I could always out drive him, would be in my comfort zone. By the end of nine holes he was down by six, and it looked like he was getting angry at himself. In the end, I had him by 10 strokes, twenty bucks, and lunch! I stopped to use the ladies, then joined him at a table.
"You haven't lost your touch, that's for sure!"
"That's twenty you owe me Ken!" I said it with a smile, my elbows on the table as I looked at him.
"Yeah yeah, here! You play pretty good for a girl!"
"I do a lot of things as good as any girl!"
"Is that right?! Like what?"
"Oh.. hair and makeup... and other things..."
"I don't think I want to know... not just yet anyway, but I can imagine!"
After lunch, he took me home, and I was once again safe in my small haven, my bedroom. I took a shower, and got dressed in a pair of my own shorts and a plain tee. With my hair hanging loose, I sauntered into the kitchen for a soda. I was sitting on the patio when dad walked out.
"Beat him?"
"Easy dad. By ten. That was an easy twenty, plus lunch!"
"I see that you and your mother weren't kidding. You do have breasts!" 'Yikes' I thought... NO BRA! "I called the doctor" he said softly, he confirmed that you had an abundance of female hormones in your system. He also told me that you took them yourself! Care to tell me why you did that? There isn't any advantage to being a girl you know."
There's that moment of truth rearing it's ugly head again! "I've always felt like a girl dad, as far back as I can remember! I just didn't have any choice! I had to be a girl! I didn't even think about what girls do... or don't do, I just had to be a girl!"
"Well... according to the doctor, apparently your mother was right. We don't have any choice now; your body has changed too much to alter things, which means that like us, you don't have a choice either, but that doesn't seem to bother you. You do understand that you'll have to finish school as a girl? What do you think the other kids will say when they see you?"
"Well, hopefully they'll think I'm cute, a real girl, and leave me alone!"
"Your mother says that you're taping... yourself down. That can't be very comfortable, and the other girls will certainly notice that, which means that they won't think you're a real girl... right?"
"Well" I said tentatively... "there is a panty... "
"Panty? What kind of panty?"
"It makes a guy look like a girl. They make them to fit, in your exact skin color, then they glue it on, so..."
"So you'll look and probably function just like any other girl, right?" I nodded my head yes. "You know that I'm really angry that you did this to yourself, but I can't let you put yourself in danger just because you did something dumb either. How much?"
"About $400, maybe more, I'm not sure. I'd have to email them and find out."
"I'll do that" he said, then... "go get properly dressed. I don't want to ever find you not properly dressed again... understand?"
"Yes sir" I said, and quickly went to my room.
While my father wasn't ranting and raving, he was, none the less, as angry as he could be. His calm exterior was only a veil that held back a torrent of violence that I knew he had in him, but had never seen. His seemingly easy acceptance wasn't the least bit correct, and I knew it. On the other hand, he was quick to grasp the implications far better than I was, and I knew in my heart that he was about to make my life as feminine as possible. The mere fact that he took it upon himself to check out the panty was a positive sign, but that too was fraught with the unknown. The company that made them had several versions, from a thong type of thing to the full blown, where you could have periods and sex! While I had thought about those things, my goal was to just be passable enough to graduate without getting hurt. The medium grade would do nicely for that.
Every day after that my mother subjected me to drills on how to walk, sit, stand and so on, all in an effort to make my presentation as feminine as possible. The fact that I had no upper body muscles, well, not any more than an average girl, made it easy for me to pull my elbows in for example. The days seemed to endlessly drag on, then I was fitted for that panty. My father had arranged it, but it was mom and I that went, and it was during the fitting I found out that it was the very best available.
Moment of truth? There never really was just one, but rather a series of moments where the truth of my actions became more and more profound. With the panty I could easily stand naked with other girls and not be seen as different, but the truth is that I was still very nervous. I felt awkward around other girls, worse when the boys started to notice me, and of course there was the ongoing struggle to fit in at home. The ONLY real moment of truth was when I knew that I should have been a girl and acted on it. The rest was just the reactions of others, my acceptance of the new situation, and the suffering we had all gone through.
I am a girl in every way now, and while I now understand what my father meant when he said "There isn't any advantage to being a girl", I accepted the limitations, and in fact, I now revel in them. The moment of truth? That's when we admit we are different and do something about it.
The End
© 2007 by Janet Stickney