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Batman beyond :The return of Catwoman

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nekollx

Member 

#31 | Posted: 30 Jun 2011 20:29
 

I dunno i feel like Terry is changing to quickly, but the fact he can't remember Dana's name makes me think there might b something, maybe the collar, altering his personality, if it is just from the treatment it feels forced, there needs to be something messing with his head to justify the Goddamn Batman changing so much.

Remember when all is sed and donw Terry should believable be able to corner a villian and say "I'm Catwoman" with that same chilling air that frightens the superstitious and cowerly lot that is the criminal underworld like "I'm Batman"

And i still think since it's a revenge story it would work better if Bruce was trgeted not Terry
Dread
Member 

#32 | Posted: 1 Jul 2011 04:47
 

nekollx
I like what you have to say about the many changes going on with Terry. You have to keep reading to find out why I choose Terry instead of Bruce! Hehe
tristra

Member 

#33 | Posted: 2 Jul 2011 12:08
 

I'm personally not fond of character death
but if he eventually has a chance to fight back this could still work and she could grow into someone new.

the tense is a little odd with Terries name being over used. the story from third person narative in present tense is a little hard to read for me.
I would have used third person in the past tense and dialogue or introspection in a more present tense to develop a sense of telling the present not a retelling, right now it seems to read like a point by point log.
The collar seems to be running along some Hatter tech lines, may want to tie in some other villeins into the back story,
maybe this guy stole a bit from hatter or researched his work and methods somewhere to make the collar, that would make the mind control and personality change feasible and tie it into the batman history a bit more.

and the use of male pronouns is interesting, Is Terry still seeing himself as male?

As always I will keep watching and my comments are C&C so take them as you like.
Dread
Member 

#34 | Posted: 19 Aug 2011 18:18
 

Later that day we find Max, Terry's best friend heading to home of Marry McGinnis. Max had returned the day before but as soon as she found out about Terry she knew where she needed to be.

Max standing at the front door of Mary's apartment hears Marry talking with someone through the door. So she knocks on the door and follows with

"Miss McGinnis' says Max through the door.

It's me max.

Through the door max hears Marry say that she could come in.

As Max walks in she could not only see Marry on the couch but Dana (Terry's girl friend) speaking.

Oh I'm sorry to intrude' says max

Oh no Max' says Marry

Your fine Dana here was just trying to make me feel a bit better. Max then takes a seat in the chair next to the couch.

I'm so sorry Miss McGinnis I just found out about Terry and came by as soon as I could' says max.
Have you heard anything' asks max?

No Max, all these weeks and no one has herd anything' says Marry as she looks away from Max.

I still don't know why someone would take Terry and not ask for anything' says Marry.

Dana then places her hand on Mary's shoulder to keep her calm.

"What time is it?" asks Mary

"I think I should go pick up Matt (Terry's little brother) from school."

"Do you want one of us to help you" asks Dana?

"No please, I need to do that on my own" says Mary.

"You two need to catch up and if I hear anything I will tell you first".

Dana takes one more sip of the drink that was on the table and stands up to say good bye.
"We will talk later Miss McGinnis" says Max.

"I'm just sorry that we couldn't speak sooner" Max continues .

"That's ok Max, Dana hear has been good for now" says Mary.

"Maybe we could talk later?" asks Max

"Sure sweetie but for now you two should talk" says Mary.

Marry, Max, and Dana then makes their way out of Mary's apartment so that Marry could lock up and go and get Matt and Max and Dana could talk among themselves.

Standing at the end of the hall Max and Dana starts talking about the situation they are in.

"So the police have nothing on where's Terry or whose has him" asks max

"I afraid so Max" says Dana

"So no one as any clues as to why someone would even want to take Terry "asks Max

"Oh I have a pretty good idea why Terry" says Dana.

What?"Asks Max

"It has to be because of that man Terry started working for" answers Dana

"Do you mean Bruce Wayne" asks Max

"If Terry wasn't working for that man then no one would have wanted to take him in the first place" says Dana.

"I don't think that's the case Dana" says Max.

"If someone really wanted to hurt Mr. Wayne they would have gone after someone closer to him" says Max

"That's not what Max was really thinking. From the moment that she had learned what had happen to Terry. She knew it had something to do with Terry being Batman but she couldn't say anything to Dana. So Max has to say something to Dana or else she will start to think about it"

"Terry is the only one close to that old man that would make a good target" says Dana.

"Look Max both myself and Mary agree that if Terry wasn't working for that good for nothing old man then Terry would still be here with us, with me" says Dana while fighting back tears" Says Dana

Max sees that Dana is hurting and she pulls Dana in for a hug. Max just stands there as Dana starts to cry in her shirt.

"I'm sorry max I need to go" says Dana as she pulls herself away from Max

And like that Dana runs away. Max thinks maybe she's going home but she can't be sure.

"I am sorry too" says Dana.

"I'm sorry that I have to lie to you and let you suffer like this" Max says to herself

"I will do my best to get Terry back to you all" says Max.

It doesn't take long for Max to think of a good place to start. So after telling her mother that she is going over to spend time with Dana, Max heads over to the home of Bruce Wayne to find out what has happen and what is going to happen.

To max's surprise she runs into Barbara Gordon or to her commissioner Gordon. Max couldn't figure out as to why the commissioner would stop to see Bruce Wayne. The commissioner is standing by her car waiting for Max to walk over to her.

"What are you doing here young miss?" asks Barbara

Barbara does not know that Max Knows the truth about Bruce and Terry, and Max does not know of the truth that Barbara was the old Batgirl.

"Oh high commissioner" says Max.

Max has to think of a good lie and quick.

"My friend Terry works for Mr. Wayne and I wanted to see him" says Max.

"Don't you know that your friend was kidnapped well over a month ago" Barbara asks Max

Max has to pretend that this is the first she has heard this so she could find out what Barbara knows.
"What no" says Max?

"What happened" asks Max?

"You know you're not much of a liar" says Barbara.

Before Max and Barbara could go in to that, the sound of a dog scratching brings them to the front door. Barbara starts knocking on the door with no response.

"Bruce "says Barbara through the door.

"Bruce it's me Barbara we need to talk can I come in" asks Barbara but going more and concerned.
With the dog getting more and more desperate to get out Barbara starts wondering about Bruce.
"Can't you call him on his phone" asks Max?

"I have already tried that, but I haven't been able to reach him in a few days" says Barbara

"Well cant you pick the lock or something" asks Max.

"No but I do have a key" says Barbara

Barbara then uses her key and enters the house. Barbara tells Max to stay outside but against her will Max follows her inside.

Ace (Bruce's dog) bites onto Barbara's pant leg and starts to pull her to the entrance to the Batcave.

"I think you should go get help miss" says Barbara trying to hide the batcave from Max.

Look if you are trying to hide the batcave from me, then I can tell you that I already know all about the Batman thing.

Letting out a big sigh Barbara then lets Ace show the both of them where Bruce is.

A few hours later Bruce wakes up in his bed. Looking up Bruce sees Barbara standing over him.

"Bruce can you hear me" asks Barbara?

After sitting up to get to eye level Bruce answers Barbara.

"What are you doing here" asks Bruce?

"Apparently taking care of you Bruce" says Barbara.

"Bruce you know you can't work yourself this hard anymore right" says Barbara.

"You almost killed yourself" says Barbara.

"What good would you be to the kid dead" she continues.

"I wasn't planning to work this hard but after what I have come across I know I had to risk it" says Bruce.

At that moment Max walks in from the other room and asks what have you found?

"What is she doing here Barbara" asks Bruce?

"Well apparently she already knew all about what Terry has been doing for you" says Barbara.

"What Terry was doing was of his own free will" says Bruce.

"That's what you said about me when I was working for you Bruce" says Barbara.

"You and Tim worked with me not under me" says Bruce.

"I think you two should talk about this later". Says max after taking a seat on the bed.

"I think we should focus on finding Terry" says Max.

Seeing that Max is right and time was wasting Bruce starts filling in Max and Barbara about what he has learned.

Max and Barbara let Bruce rest for an hour more before they help him back to the batcave. This is Max's first time in the batcave beside when she helped Barbara pulled Bruce out. So while Bruce is bringing up what he has on the computer Max goes through all of the Batman trophies from villains that he had defeated.

"Don't touch that" says Bruce over his shoulder as he brings up images from the night before.

"This is Anthony" says Bruce.

Max stops what she is doing and walks over to look at what Bruce had learned along with Barbara.

"So this is the man that took Terry" asks Barbara?

"I'm afraid so" says Bruce.

"What kind of name is Anthony" asks Max?

Both Bruce and Barbara turn and look at max.

"What" says Max?

"I'm sure that he's a very scary guy, but Anthony sounds so plain" says Max

"Some of the guys you go up against have some kind of cool name" says Max

"Please go on Bruce" asks Barbara

Then Bruce and Barbara turn back to the computer screen.

"Anthony is both similar and unique to any adversary we have come across before" says Bruce.

"What do you mean" asks Barbara?

"Anthony seems very well educated and very familiar with me" says Bruce.

"Despite his facial deformity he seems to have outstanding skills and reflexes." Bruce continues.

"What about his face? Asks Max

Bruce brings up the image of Anthony's uncovered face.

Max tries not to throw up when she gets a good look at his face.

"He has severe burns all over his head which is exposing some of the skull!" Bruce says.

"His mouth and chin seems to be the only part of his face that seems unharmed." he continues.

The left eye also seems to be a cybernetic implant." says Barbara.

"God, I can see his back teeth through what's left of his right cheek!" says Max.

"If you look a bit closer, you can see some wires that connect his upper and lower jaw together!" says Bruce.

"How can anyone live with a face like that? From what I have learned in my biology class burns like that would leave him in constant pain" says Max.

"We have come across quite a few men in similar states. Some were really good men but never have I seen such injuries on someone!" Bruce says.

"And judging from how healed, the burns look that must have happen when he was very young!" Barbara says.

"Wait! You said that he knows you. He may have taken Terry as payback?' says Max.

"I have made many mistakes in my past but I would remember doing something like that to someone. Besides when we were talking..." Bruce says.

"Since when do you talk to a bad guy Bruce?" Barbara asks

"He was doing most of the talking!" Bruce says with a sarcastic smile "Anyway, he told me that I inspired him. If I did that to his face, then he wouldn't act like the way he did. He did say he was torturing Terry but
Dread
Member 

#35 | Posted: 19 Aug 2011 18:19
 

I don't think Anthony intends to kill Terry."

"You can't know that for sure Bruce!" Barbara says with concern in her voice.

"It's something in his eyes. It was like he was trying to tell me something, something that he was saying was a clue and he wanted me to pick up on it. Every word was chosen carefully for me to hear and notice. I just can't get what he was trying to say or tell me. Something said without being said!" says Bruce

"Maybe you didn't do that to his face, but maybe you do know him and you can't recognize who he is! Or, matter of fact, who he was at one point because something like that would change a person in the worse of ways." Barbara says thinking about two-Face, a villain from the past whose changed face changed him.

"Don't you think I have already thought of that? I've gone through some of my old case files." Bruce says, with frustration taking over his voice.

"Calm down, Bruce! You need to stay calm!" Barbara says.

Barbara looks over and sees the paper that Bruce found.

"What's this?" she asks

"Something Anthony dropped when we fought." says Bruce.

"I'm still analyzing it but I'm afraid it will take some time" says Bruce.

"So until we can get more data we are no closer to finding Terry then before" says Barbara.

"But we have a good start. We have the who, but we need the where" says Max.

"I think I'm the one that should worry about the wear and the who for now, before Bruce goes too far and hurts himself" says Barbara.

"I could stay and watch him. I have a break from school and I know i can help" says Max

"I don't know if that's a good idea" says Barbara.

"Come on Miss Gordon it's not like I'm asking to were the bat suit and go out there and kick some butt. I just want to stay around and make sure that Bruce fines Terry. Come on please" Max begs.

"Someone does need to watch you Bruce" says Barbara.

"I'm not a child Barbara. I can take care of myself" says Bruce.

"You were almost dead when we found you. I would feel better if someone were here to keep an eye on you" says Barbara.

Bruce lets out a small sigh then continues working on the computer.

"Fine, she can stay but what are you going to do" asks Bruce?

"I have to get back to work. I have stayed hear longer then I was planning to. I will keep you informed of what I find" says Barbara.

"Good bye Bruce" says Barbara.

Bruce gives her no response and continues with his work. Max says bye to Barbara as she left the room.
"So do you need a drink or something" asks Max?

"How good are you at making tea" asks Bruce over his shoulder still working on the computer.

Max lets out a big sigh and heads up stairs to make tea for Bruce.
Tristra

Member 

#36 | Posted: 19 Aug 2011 22:03 | Edited by: Tristra
 

interesting, this can work very well, the characters are pulling closer, though this I feel was drawn out more than it needed to be,

considering this is batman we're dealing with and he has the name Anthony to go on ,
he could just pool all incidents involving criminals and victims and bystanders with that name, exclude anything related to specific other key villeins because of his personal grudge and that should narrow it down, then cross that with anyone of that name having died, been killed, or come up missing.
that should give a short list of suspects and narrow down the motive, then cross that with the off parts of the comments to Bruce to try to peace together a motive that should eliminate a few more and likely narrow it down to 1
This is a logical progression that is used in a lot of the batman cartoons.
to this point considering time spent you can assume Bruce has been going backwards through his records looking for clues and thrown out the usual suspects and attention grabbing megalomaniacs. Then dumbfounded will likely go back over all cases even closed ones, but now with the name and conversation in hand.

Hope that helps.

Another note: to help show the process and show they haven't just been waisting time, might want to mention that they have already searched hospital records in all cities Batman has worked in for a scared victim like that found and a list of surgeons that would have had the skill to save this person's life even with those wounds, but found nothing.
this will help show they have not just been guessing and working on apparently nothing during this time.
Dread
Member 

#37 | Posted: 19 Aug 2011 23:22
 

Thanks Tristra i will take those under advisement. sorry for the late post i've been looking for something to help me with my spelling and now that i found something that can help i've been going back and fixing what i've done and what comes next.

thanks for putting up with my misspelling so far and i hope you like what i've got next.
Dread
Member 

#38 | Posted: 24 Aug 2011 15:27
 

Back in the white room where Terry has just finish his long shower. Terry can smell just how clean he is now and that makes him feel a little better.

But he still hates that fact that he is still being held prisoner.

"Well, at least I have a bed to rest on." Says Terry

Terry walks over to the bed and when he sits on it, another one of those doors opens and shows a full length mirror. Up until now, Terry hasn't seen his whole body. Over the past few weeks, Terry when he wasn't dealing with the drones, he would just sit and look over his new body. Terry is still amazed at how well he has adjusted to his new body. But up until now he has never really seen all of it.

"Oh God, how could they have done this to me?" Asks Terry while walking up to the mirror

It is impossible for anyone, especially Terry, to see who he was in the new body. Like the first time he looked at himself, Terry brings his hands to eye level then starts lightly rubbing his shoulders.

"Wait." Thought Terry

After Terry looks closer at himself, he starts thinking about the last few weeks. One day in particular about two and an half weeks ago, in to his so called training. This was just before Terry started fighting back.

Terry was worn down and beaten; he went as long as he could without getting hit by the drone's stingers.

Terry was hiding in a bush and panting hard. He could hear the drones flying over searching for him.

"Oh come on. I thought I lost you in the lake!" Says Terry

From where he was sitting, Terry could see a tree that he could hide in. He looked up to see if the drones were watching. When he saw it was clear. He ran for it. Terry was half there when one of the drones saw him. The drone fires and hits Terry in the left leg. Although the sting wasn't on its highest setting, the sting was strong enough for Terry to lose the feeling in his leg. Trying to crawl his way to the tree, five more drones arrived and starts bombarding him.

Terry could feel bones brake with each hit. Terry couldn't think straight with the massive amount of pain going through what he thought at time his weak body. After that, Terry knew he was lucky to still be breathing and that the stingers will be on the highest setting. That's when he knew that he had to destroy the drones before they kill him. After Terry destroyed the first drone, this weird feeling came over him. He had felt that feeling before but not in a fight but when he last kissed Dana. Strange, that he was now associating pleasure with destruction.

But more importantly, he had started fighting back the day after he was bombarded. How was he able to do that?

"How am I still here after that?" Terry asks himself out loud.

Terry is still feeling his shoulders but with his other hand was now feeling his left leg.

"Not one scratch." Says Terry

"Well, that's because...." Says Anthony while standing behind Terry

Sometime while Terry was thinking about when he was bombarded, Anthony had walked in the room.

Terry jumps a bit when he sees Anthony in the mirror.

"I'm sorry my dear! I didn't mean to scare you." Says Anthony

"You didn't! I was just... I don't know what!" Says Terry, feeling uncomfortable for some reason

"Like I was saying my dear Selene, your new body has great healing powers." Says Anthony

"Don't you remember your first day here? "Asks Anthony

Terry has to think hard about his first day. After he had woken up, he looked around and saw his reflection in the water of a pond and saw that he was changed from a man to what he is now.

"What should I be remembering exactly?" Asks Terry

A smile brakes on Anthony's face

"Why my dear, you had broken your arm before we placed you in the habitat." Says Anthony

Terry had completely forgotten about that. When he was tied to the table, he tried to break free but only succeed in breaking his own arm.

Terry starts going over the arm he broke and sees no evidence. As if it was never broken.

"So I can regenerate?" Asks Terry

"Precisely my dear! Selene, the more you get hurt, the faster you will heal." Says Anthony

"Can you please stop calling me that?" Asks Terry

Ever since Anthony started calling him Selene, Terry started getting more and more frustrated.

"That's not my name and you know that. My name is..." Says Terry but is cut off

"Now do you really want to tell me your other name?" Asks Anthony

"I left your mask on when I changed you to this. If I were to find out what your name was, I could easily find your loved ones and well, you can guess what comes next." Says Anthony

Terry has not thought of that. Terry is so focused on his body, that he didn't think of his family but that still raised a question that Terry needed to ask.

"Why have you done this and what do you plan on doing with me?" Asks Terry

"Well, you know you could have asked me before now." Says Anthony "Why don't you take a seat on the bed?"

Terry wants to know what Anthony is planning so again, he has to do whatever he said. Terry lets out a long sigh and heads for the bed and sits down and looks up at Anthony.

"We do have a purpose for your transformation my dear Sel...Oh right! I almost forgot, sorry." Says Anthony

"Like I was saying, we wanted to create a new life form. So we used you to make something beautiful and powerful." Says Anthony

Now, Terry feels angry with Anthony! He just told him that he was trying to make him beautiful. Terry then jumps up to his feet and takes a swing at Anthony. Anthony quickly steps to avoid Terry's attack but Terry cuts his right arm with his claws.

Terry is now standing with his hand out with a tiny bit of Anthony's blood on the nails. Terry then looks over to Anthony who is still looking just as calm as before.

Anthony looks deep into Terry's raged filled eyes and smiles.

Terry's pounding heart, slowly starts slowing down. His rage towards Anthony began dulling down.
It's like Terry's body can no longer hold any type of anger towards Anthony.

Terry then falls back onto the bed and returns to the mood he was in, not happy, but not mad either.

"We just want to perform some more tests and have you perform some tasks for us." Anthony says, like nothing had happened
Dread
Member 

#39 | Posted: 24 Aug 2011 15:31
 

Terry is trying about what just happen, why can't I be angry with Anthony anymore? But instead, he starts thinking about what he just said.

"Wait! What do you mean perform some tasks?"Asks Terry

"Now that, I will explain tomorrow. If you behave yourself that is." Says Anthony

"No! I want you to tell me right now!" Says Terry sounding confused

Even raising his voice to him wouldn't work

Anthony without saying a word turns and walks to the door.

"I think you should rest now my dear." Says Anthony over his shoulder

"You know I need to call you something, so I will let you think about what I should call you. Good night." Says Anthony then walks out of the room

Terry just sits on the black bed and tries to feel angry at Anthony but still finding it impossible. After a few minutes, Terry does indeed feel tired so then he rolls into the bed and within seconds is fast asleep.

Outside and overlooking the white room was Anthony and Dr. Emile Dorian. Anthony still had a smile on his face. The two just stands there and watch the poor Terry sleep. Then Dorian looks up at Anthony.

"I'm not seeing much (breath) progress with my subject."Says Dorian

"That's our subject my dear Doctor. We both helped in making her and so far she is going at a good pace."Says Anthony

"All I wanted (breath) was to make the ultimate (breath) specimen and you put together this (breath) operation and..."Says Dorian

"Slow down Dorian. If you were to die before Selene is complete, I wouldn't forgive myself." Says Anthony

"How's your arm anyway I (breath) saw that she got you pretty good back there?" Asks Dorian

"Just a scratch Doctor, I've been through much in my life. You should know that better than anyone." Says Anthony

"That's good to know Anthony. Now what do you mean by (breath) complete?"Asks Dorian

"In order to give you what you want and what the world needs, I have put something together that will give you what you want and more."Says Anthony

"And (breath) when will she be completed (breath) as you put it?"Asks Dorian

"Trust me Doctor, this is all part of the plan."Says Anthony
Tristra

Member 

#40 | Posted: 24 Aug 2011 16:04
 

I like this the mental stuff is starting to ballence out a little,

but your tense in this update is odd and it makes it a little hard to follow, it is like a mix of present and past tense and third and first person,
pick one view and one tense and try to stick with it, at least for a scene then you can if needed change tense or view between scenes or chapters.

as far as this prolonging,
most of this dialogue could have been and has been done in an earlier scene and allowed this to move on to the next plot point,
you don't want to over use the builder scenes without giving at least something away,
a clue to the greater plan or
in this case Give Terry a chance to look over herself, and let the reader in on it, this would be a perfect time to show a pic or describe Terry as she is.
This audience is BIG into visuals and they will want to be attracted to your transformed character.
Give us colors and patterns, maybe she has a mark or pattern in her fur that Terry could not notice without the mirror, does Terry move differently how does she hold herself in front of the mirror, and what does she think of her looks, does she see her self as a monster, or something exotic, maybe she thinks she looks sexy, does she think of Dana.

The neat thing about written text you can be explicit about things that are only hinted at in a picture.
let the audience in on a few things. if you tease to much you will loose readers.
nekollx

Member 

#41 | Posted: 27 Aug 2011 21:27
 

I;m just going to echo some of Trista comments things seem to be dragging here, and Bruce really should have a more narrowed list, he should be investigating Anthonys. And this is the one time i could see Barbera donning the batgirl suit or bat woman suit.

Of couse the real twist would be if Anthony is not his real name or maybe he's the catman from Dorian's episode turned human, either would be good ways to throw Bruce off the track. Rememeber Bruce is the worlds Greatest Detective. Terry has even admonised himself in the joker movie for not being as good as Bruce
Dread
Member 

#42 | Posted: 28 Aug 2011 18:36
 

This is art from chapter 8 of my Batman story. Sorry about the light there is not much in my room and I'll try to give a little more of an description about my story.




Dread
Member 

#43 | Posted: 9 Sep 2011 21:41
 

The sound of the phone ringing awakes the sleeping Max on the couch. When she got tired last night, she made sure that Bruce was in his bed, and then fell asleep on the couch. As she opens her eyes, Max is blinded by the sun.

"Aw man! Why is that window open?"

"What time is it, and where is my phone?" Asks Max

After looking around with no results, Max sees her phone on the other side of the room.

"Now, how did it get over there?" Asks Max

Max rubs the sleep out of her eyes and walks over to answer her phone.

Max looks at the caller id and sees that it is Dana calling.

"Hello." Says Max then waits for a response

"Hi Max! I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. What have you been doing? I called your mom and she said you were with me. What are you doing? "Asks Dana

"Slow down girl. I don't speak speed." Says Max

Max walks back to the couch and sits down and continues talking.

"So where are you and what are you doing? "Asks Dana

"I'm just helping a friend with something."Says Max

"And where are you?" Asks Dana

Max didn't want to tell her that she was at Bruce's house. If Dana were to find out that Max is lying about where she is and whose she helping, it would end badly.

"His just a friend I don't think you know him. What did you need to tell me? Did they find something on Terry?" Asks Max

"I haven't heard anything new and neither has Terry's mom. So this friend you are helping I hope it's not that Mr. Wayne it's his fault that Terry's gone." Says Dana

"You make it sound like he's dead. Terry's alive for now."Says Max

"Wait how would you know that? Have you heard anything Max? If you've heard anything you need to tell me, now!" Says Dana

"I haven't heard anything Dana. I just know he's ok." Says Max

"Are you lying to me Max? Do you know something?" Asks Dana

Max looks over at the entrance of the batcave and sees that it's open. She remembers closing it last night when she went to bed. If it's open, then it means one thing.

"I'm sorry Dana but I need to check on that friend I was telling you about. I will call you later." Says Max then hangs up the phone

"What are you not telling me Max?" Dana asks herself

Dana then gets out of the bed and walks over to the window. All she does is stand there, wondering what Max is hiding from her. Could she know who has Terry? That's all she could think of while staring at the morning sun.

Max walks over the entrance to the Batcave and heads in. This is her fifth or sixth time walking down the flight of stairs that leads to the batcave but she is still amazed on how well she has gotten use to the room.

"Mr. Wayne? Are you down here? "Asks Max

Max sees Bruce at the computer just going through his old cases. Max lets out a big sigh because she could see that Bruce has been up all night just looking through file after file. Max didn't want to see Bruce destroy himself over this.

"Mr. Wayne, you need to rest. I can do this!" Says Max

But when she came up to him he was fast asleep. His fingers were still on the keyboard making the computer go through the files.

"Oh...Bruce!" Says Max

With all her might, Max pushes Bruce away from the computer and onto the table so he could continue sleeping. Seeing a good opportunity to help, Max grabs a seat and starts going through the files herself. As she is looking through the files for something on Anthony's past, she couldn't help thinking as to why did this Anthony take Terry and why does Anthony seem a little too familiar to her as if he has seen him before.

Now, we find Commissioner Barbara Gordon sitting in her office with her hands on her face. Like Bruce, she was up most of the night searching though her files for something on Anthony. Unlike Bruce, she knew when to stop but that didn't stop Sam (A Gotham district attorney, and Barbara's husband) from asking questions.

It doesn't sit right with her lying to her husband but there was no way she could tell him all about what she used to do as Batgirl.

Just as she was about to call her new assistant in, she comes in on her own with a stack of papers.
Dread
Member 

#44 | Posted: 9 Sep 2011 21:46
 

Joanna Walker, Barbara's new assistant. She stands at 5"9 and 24 years of age. Her brunette hair is tided back so it wouldn't get into her blue eyes that are behind her red plastic classes.

"Miss Gordon I have some of those papers you asked for." Says the assistant with a British accent

"Thank you, please just set them on my desk." Says Barbara

The assistant sets the papers on the desk

"Will that be all?"Asks the assistant

"Can you please get me a cup of coffee?" Asks Barbara

"Yes Miss Gordon." Says the assistant

Barbara starts going through the papers after the assistant leaves. All though she has more then when she started with, she still doesn't have enough to go on. She has a name and a description but there was still too much. She had to narrow it down more.

Before she knew it, her assistant is back with a cup of coffee.

"Here you go miss just the way you like it." Says the assistant

"Thank you." Says Barbara after taking the cup

"You know you make a very good cup of coffee. The last assistant couldn't make one even if her life was at stake." Says Barbara

"Why thank you Commissioner! It makes me feel good when someone appreciates something I do!" Says the assistant

"Well, I do appreciate that you are here." Says Barbara

"Now will that be all? "Asks the assistant

"Yes, thank you." Says Barbara

"Oh, before I forget the mother of that boy who got kidnapped, called earlier and said she would call again."Says the assistant

"That I already knew. She has been calling here ever since her son was taken, to check up on the case and unfortunately I never tell her anything new." Says Barbara

"Is that what you're looking for in those papers? A lead on who took that boy. "Asks the assistant

"Yes. I came across some information about the kidnaper but I can't find a thing on him. It doesn't seem that I will find Miss McGinnis's son any time soon." Says Barbara

"You know a new pair of eyes always works when I'm working hard. You should take a brake and let your mind process what you have seen so far. Maybe you have already found something but you don't know you found it." Says the assistant

"That's what works for me." the assistant continues

"Thanks. I might just do that." Says Barbara

"Good day Commissioner." Says the assistant

The assistant leaves again to let Barbara work and that's what Barbara does. Even with the entire police force, Barbara can't see how anyone can find anything on Anthony. In fact she's still isn't sure if Anthony was his real name at all.
tristra

Member 

#45 | Posted: 10 Sep 2011 00:19 | Edited by: tristra
 

These are good emotional peaces and they tell what the side characters are doing,
However they hint at clues without progressing anything,
90% of the story happened in your first few posts,
since then everything has been building and stalling.

you seriously need a break in the story, some meat. some action with some resolution, some good actual clues, whether through the characters or to the reader you need to let the reader see that your not going to just stay in this holding pattern forever,
it's killing the chance that a reader is going to sit through it at this point.

Have something happen, A street riot, a break in the information, a death, a breakout, another escape attempt. an attack, Terry tries to take off the collar,
Something, anything.
But the Stall tactics have reached there end, the story needs to show some fruit for all this buildup or no one will be here when your ready to write the ending.

You want to do something really radical, have Terry break out into another part of the building only to find that they have cloned him and there are other habitats with other Terrys, all in different stages of the same thing he went through, some are even starting to seem to work with the bad guys.
this would leave doubt of is she the original?
and would give you loads to play with in the plot.
say these other Terrys have her memories, but each has slightly different personality traits because of flaws in the copy process, or they have her instincts but there memories are fuzzy and they are more animal like in the way they act, making them less viable as an end product than her.
I only suggest because you seem to be stalling till you can fill a plot hole or come up with further plot.

We NEED some kind of progression to keep interested.
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